Confessions of My Addiction

I was born and raised in a traditional pentecostal charismatic family. I was taught the christian values and principles at home. I went to Sunday School and learned everything from Bible stories to the 'deep' doctrines of the church. I memorized hundreds of scriptures, participated in all kinds of church activities, and spent countless hours in the church working for the Lord. I had listened to hundreds of thousands of sermons day in and out. When I reached that age, when all of my friends were being water baptized, I submitted myself to the same.

I used to attend every youth camp, every church convention and every special meeting that was there. Every time I attended one of those meetings I would feel 'super spiritual' and very close to God. However, soon after I would come back home to the 'real world' those feelings would fade away quickly. Gradually I would feel like a million miles away from God. I would then look for the next youth camp or special meeting to 'recharge my spiritual batteries'.

I was like a junkie who was addicted and looking for a 'spiritual high'. I was hopping from one joint to the other looking to satisfy my craving. As soon as the effects of this 'drug' would wear out, I would feel high and dry. I was fighting a losing battle against sin. Every time there was an altar call I would be up there rededicating my life and making new decisions to try harder and be better. I would act and talk Christianese on Sundays and then have nothing to do with that on the other days. I would put on my Christian mask on Sundays and take them off for the rest of the week.

Eventually, I became a Sunday School teacher and taught the same stories and doctrines to other kids. But my life was still the same. I was on a religious treadmill, trying very hard, but going nowhere. I used to show up at church almost every time the doors were open. I was trying harder and rededicating my life at every given opportunity and looking for the next spiritual 'high'. All this time, I looked like a very 'spiritual' guy outwardly. But deep down in my heart, I knew that this is not how the christian life as described in the Bible, was supposed to look like. This religious 'roller coaster ride' went on until I was 33 years old (just a few years ago).

One day, at a youth retreat, as I was crying out to the Lord, He graciously opened my eyes to see what I was missing in my life. Instantly, as in a flash, the Lord gave me a glimpse of His love for me. Over the next few days, weeks, months and years the Lord took me on a wonderful journey of His grace and unconditional love. He showed me that He is SO holy and righteous that I could NEVER by my efforts attain to that level of righteousness. He started showing me how by His one sacrifice He had forgiven all my sins : past, present and future. I learned that the righteousness and holiness that I was so desperately trying to attain, was given FREELY as a gift to me. It could never be earned by my holy living or religious works. All the bible scriptures started coming to life now. I learned that by my works such as prayer, bible reading, tithing & witnessing, I could never EARN any of His blessings. Rather, I was already pleasing to Him because of what Christ had done on my behalf and He has already blessed me with every blessing in Christ. A great sense of peace and rest came into my heart, knowing that I am secure in Him.

Looking back, I can say that, although I knew 'about' Christ until I was 33 years old, I never 'knew Him personally'. I thought I knew His love, but boy, was I wrong. Although I knew all the doctrines and had memorized scriptures, I never knew Him. Now I know Christ as my life. It's no longer I living, but Christ lives in me. What I was lacking was a revelation of Christ. Now I have a such a passion in my heart that I cannot stop talking about Him, regardless of what day of the week it is. Now I 'like' to communicate with Him, read His word, be a witness for Him and be His carrier -- all without any pressure from religion. What religion could not do, Christ made it a reality in my life. Now I have found the 'REAL DEAL' so I don't go looking for a 'spiritual high' anymore. He has given me waters that will never make me thirsty and bread that will never make me hungry.

Dear friend, if you can relate to my testimony, I encourage you to be honest with yourselves and accept that it is not working for you. It doesn't make sense to do the same things over and over again and expect a different result. Don't make yourselves believe that as long as you play church and do all the right things and put the right mask on, you will be fine. Jesus longs to have a relationship with you. He is not interested in your service and what you can do for Him, He is interested in you. He loves you. I would love to hear from you.

P.S. I have to thank God for a dear friend, Jitu Galani,  who introduced me to Andrew Wommack,  who laid the foundation of grace, so to speak. Later on the Lord led me to Joseph Prince, Bertie Brits, Steve McVey, Peter Youngren and now hundreds of friends on 'gracebook'